Yesterday I read a post from one of my favourite writers, Brené Brown, who has just published a new book; Dare to Lead (on the Christmas List) She shared the post below & it grabbed me. Mostly because I felt intimidated by it…followed swiftly by curiosity.
I shared Brené’s post, feeling the urge to write about what came up. I lay in bed last night, wondering about my future, my story, my purpose. Honestly, I felt a bit sweaty, anxious and overwhelmed.
Fuck…this bloody purpose thing again. It keeps coming up.
Ok. So…the advice is to own the fear, find the cave that scares you and write a new ending for yourself, for the people you’re meant to serve and support and for your culture. Choose the great adventure of being brave and afraid.
No pressure then.
I’ve never been averse to doing scary things…emotionally, physically, career-wise. I’m a goddamn pro. I’m pretty good with telling fear to sit tight in the back seat while adventure and I go have some fun. I’m ok with entering the cave…but writing a new ending? Jesus Brené, I have no clue.
It feels like such a huge responsibility…writing a new ending. Like I need to have the ending figured out before I can even start. Bring on the panicked little one inside me who freaks the fuck out if she gets something wrong.
Shouldn’t I have it figured out by now though? Shouldn’t I have some inkling about my future? Now that I know I won’t have wee ones of my own, shouldn’t I be writing a new story? I feel like I need to. Otherwise, won’t I just schlep through my life without any purpose?
You know what ‘should’ can do…go sit in the back seat with fear.
There is a tension in my body around this…with one part needing to be present, to get to know myself better, to feel whatever comes up and honour that by paying close attention. The other part wants to look forward; to vision, to plan, to dream. Maybe that tension is familiar for you too…but it struck me today that perhaps the ‘should’ I’m feeling around planning and finding purpose is a big ol’ distraction. Maybe it’s a way to avoid how I’m feeling now, by looking ahead always and losing the connection with myself, right now… Maybe my purpose is to feel it all & write about it here. Isn’t that enough?
Growing up, I didn’t know how to answer any of those questions. I didn’t know how I felt, or what I needed. Maybe my scary, brave adventure is figuring that out. Paying close attention to the whispers inside me, the wisdom that always knows.
Today, I’m paying attention to how I am now…and now…and NOW…and that’s enough.