Has fertility treatment begun for you? Can you remember the date it all kicked off?
Often a long, drawn out path, one month can merge into the next. Investigations end, medical answers and explanations are given. Treatment begins.
Did you mark that beginning in some way? Are you waiting to begin?
The week that I began treatment, when I first injected myself with GONAL-f (an FSH drug) I felt compelled to spend a lot of time in my own company. The rest of the world was going on as normal, but it felt like I was sitting on the other side of the room, far from the chaos and hubbub of other people’s lives. I rather liked it.
I slept a lot. I went for walks alone. I connected with the women in my circle. I wrote pages and pages in my journal.
I needed to check in with those who loved me, to feel grounded and safe. I also needed to feel safe in myself, to feel that I had the resources within to do what was needed.
I hope I never forget that first injection. It was a momentous evening.
3 minutes before I went to the fridge to get it set up, the back of my neck went cold, hair standing up. My tummy flipped. Fear had arrived. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and spoke to fear.
“Hello Fear” I said.
“I know why you’re here. Thank you for stepping in to defend me. I’m ok though. My life is not at risk. My husband is here and I’m going to be ok. So, thank you for your concern, but you’re not needed here. This injection pen here, this pen is filled with LIGHT. This light is bringing new life into our world and it is welcome.”
As I looked at the needle and pinched some flesh below my navel, I wondered at the length of it. I looked at my husband, “It’s huge!” I said…wincing. I touched the tip to my skin, closed my eyes, breathed, welcomed it in and…felt nothing. I peered down at my belly. The needle had gone all the way in and I still couldn’t feel it. Hallelujah! 10 seconds later I removed the needle (which was actually tiny) and felt like doing a little dance. I did it! The first – and surely the worst – was over.
I felt safe, making that choice to speak to Fear. I felt supported and loved by my husband as he sat quietly beside me. I knew that my women friends, my sisters, were thinking of me and holding a safe space for me as I pushed that first needle.
This week I watched a short video from the gorgeous Glennon Doyle Melton. It reminded me of the importance of friendship, of asking for and offering help. I don’t ask enough. Glennon’s message about Sisterhood rings so true and I want to offer it to all of you. I don’t think we can hear this often enough. (By the way, men are not excluded from this, we can all ask for and offer love & support)
